I already told this in my DevianArt journal but I feel like I need to tell about it here too. It's not like I want to scream it to the whole world and I don't expect anyone to be interested in this but writing and talking about it makes me feel better somehow.

About two weeks ago now (still feels like couple days to me) one of my dearest friend died, on the valentine day, on her birthday. It came as a horrible surprise because she was all healthy, beautiful and happy-goes-lucky type of person, how would have hurt anyone and loved having fun. But still she died and there's nothing I can do about it.

After that happened, I kind of lost my ability to draw or more like I forgot how to. It's not like I didn't try or want to make pictures rather the opposite. I feel like I have to draw this feeling out of my systems. But I can't. Every time I take a pen in my hand and try to do something my head hits empty or my hand start to shake. And if I'm able to get something done the end results are all wrong and scrappy. It is awful and frustrating... Even at school the movie project of me and my friend has been delayed, because I can't do make-ups and masks properly. Of course my friends understand me but it's still embarrassing. I can even draw in my notebooks in class or those little fake tattoos that I used to draw in the hands of my friends for boredom. I really don't know what to do about it. It's just all mess.

I think this goes away with time, but how long I need to wait? Weeks? Months? Or should I just keep on trying and force this out of me? I don't know.
All I know is I'm damn tired of these feelings, these sadness, anger and numbness. I want to be happy and go on living and enjoy it. I want to draw and feel the flow I get off it. And I know she would want that too.
But I need little bit more time, just a little. And maybe I get over this before summer comes and maybe I learn to draw again. Time will tell, hopefully. Hopefully.

Miss u so much Jassu. Rest in peace, my dear angel <3